How to be truly confident
Working as a life coach, building self confidence is the most common reason people reach out to me. They believed they weren't confident enough to do various things, starting a new business, a Youtube channel, or even accepting job offers. Before we coached, the first question I always asked them was what they meant by that.
Language is a complicated and powerful tool at our disposal. We rely on vocabulary and sentences to convey how we feel. However, converting abstract feelings into tangible words is a challenging task. It requires not only a great linguist but also great self-awareness to communicate the feeling correctly.
What type of self-confidence do you need to boost?
It's crucial to ask ourselves what we really feel when we say we struggle with low self-confidence since we tend to use the term as a generalized word. Some of us might feel we need to be more attractive and fun. While others might feel they don't have the skills to do what they have to do. It’s more effective to dig down and identify the source of your concern.
There're two types of self-confidence. First is social confidence, the belief that people will accept you in social situations. If you're struggling with meeting new people at a gathering or feel people will not like who you are, your problem falls into this type. Another type of self-confidence is epistemic confidence, the belief you're capable of accomplishing tasks at hand and an expert in a particular field.
While researchers pointed out that people tend to perceive those with high social confidence as confident. Both confidence types contribute to a healthy personality. So it's important to distinguish our situation to see which one we need to improve. It can be one of them, or it can be both. Fortunately, it's possible to increase both types of self-confidence.
How to boost your social confidence
Be your authentic self
It pains me to hear my clients ask, "Is it wrong to be myself?". Nobody should feel like they can't be themselves. Unfortunately, with unregulated internet and social media content flying around, capitalism paints the twisted standard of how everyone should be. A rich, model-looking, funny person. Don't you think it's too much to ask from a person?
We can't make everyone love us, even if we're like that. (Also, it's perfectly normal and ok not to be liked by everyone) Since we can't please everyone, why not be who we are and let our identity screen who loves our authentic self and is worth keeping in our life?
You can start by doing what you can. Wearing shirts you like, saying what you want to eat, initiating a conversation with someone new. It will be challenging since you're new to them, but it'll get easier with practice, like everything else.
Be aware of your stories
As human beings, we don't like uncertainty. We rely on experiences and hints to predict what will happen in the future. Stories can be beneficial if used correctly. However, since assumptions are based solely on our thoughts, they're still prone to bias. And as you may know, we are the worst critic of ourselves, so no wonder we always struggle with confidence.
So, It's essential to be aware of the stories you're telling yourself. When you catch yourself worrying about something, ask yourself;
Where does this belief come from?
Why do I believe that's true?
If it's true, what would you do about the situation?
Asking these questions will help you see what you're afraid of and how you want to deal with them. For example, Let's say you're worried people won't accept you because you're not good-looking. Here're some questions you can ask yourself:
Why would I think that a relationship requires good appearances?
Is this true?
How do you want to be accepted?
How to boost your Epistemic confidence
Identify which aspects you're not confident
We play many roles in our lives. We can be English teachers during the day and a guitarist at night. We can be accountants one day and also a representative of our company the next day. It's normal for us not to be confident in every role.
When it comes to skills, low self-confidence is an inevitable stage that we have to go through. It usually happens when we have to get out of our comfort zone and do something new. So it's essential to know which of these roles you're struggling with.
Plan your steps
Once you know what you want to work on, it's time to practice. It's helpful to know your learning style. Here're some questions that will help you identify your learning styles:
Do you prefer to read or listen to the topic?
Do you like learning alone or with an accountability partner?
Do you like learning by yourself or someone teaching you in real time?
Do you have a budget and time?
It's also mandatory to set a clear goal for yourself. What you must be able to do by when is a great way to start. You may realize that what you need to do is not what you believe at first. Or maybe you have.
Finally, you want to research what you want to work on. Having information guarantees that you'll make the most out of your time. So here're some questions to kickstart your research:
Which resources are available for you?
Do you know anyone that can help you with the learning process?
What will you need for the learning process?
Practice
Here's one thing most people misunderstand about practice. Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes permanent. It would be best to do the two steps above properly before jumping to practice.
A lot of young musicians have this problem. They taught themselves how to play music and overlooked foundations like how to place their hands on the instrument. Their bad form hurts their health in the long run and potentially their future career.
You want to practice something you want to work on and do it correctly. It may take longer to practice, but it'll pay off in the long run.
Adapt open-minded mindset
We're not confident when we're unfamiliar with something. And once we're good at it, we believe we're always right. We struggle to find the balance between the two mindsets. The former makes you doubt yourself, and the latter makes you doubt anyone who thinks differently. None of them is a helpful mindset.
Instead, be open-minded. When you're not confident in yourself, see your challenges as possibilities for improvement. And when you're confident in your skills, listen to others and ask yourself if what they say makes sense, if it's better than what you know, and if you can use new information to improve yourself even more.
Summary
Self-confidence, when paired with humility, makes you a person who is not only great at what you do but great to have in life. It's important to have confidence in yourself socially and in your capability. The good news is these traits can be developed by intentionally dedicating time and effort.
If you need help becoming more confident, reach out to me for a free coaching session where we can walk through what's happening and the best approach for you.
