Be Afraid of Regrets

"I'm sure that if you've been consuming any self-improvement content, whether it's books, articles, podcasts, or social media posts, you would know by now that fear is something that often holds people back. I'm no different.

For most of my life (30 years, to be exact), I lived in constant fear. I feared that no one would accept me, that I wasn't good enough, and that I would end up alone.

However, living this way didn't soothe my fears; instead, it prevented me from pursuing what I truly wanted. Now, I carry a treasure chest full of fears, along with regrets for the things I wish I had done.

Fears and regrets, together, form the worst combination of all. This combination pulls us away from the present moment. The fear of failure or rejection essentially takes us to an unforeseeable future, a concern about something that may or may not happen.

On the other hand, regrets bind us to an unchangeable past (unless you happen to have a time machine handy, in which case I'd love to borrow it sometime).

These two forces stretch us thin, like an elastic band pulled by two curious children, always wondering when it will snap. It's no wonder that we often find ourselves unhappy and constantly fragmented.

Unfortunately, many people struggle with these same challenges. If you want to gauge whether someone carries regrets in their life, listen for the phrase 'I wish I had done that.' We tend to dwell on the past, even though we know it's unchangeable."

How fear creates regrets

"When we're afraid to do something, we do our absolute best to find a reason, no matter how unreasonable it is, to tell ourselves not to do that thing. 'I can't go to the gym. I'm afraid everyone will see me as a stupid person who doesn't know how any machines work.'

If my friend said that to me, I'd say something like, 'Umm, maybe ask staff. Isn't that why they're there, to help you?' It's funny how we can easily see others telling themselves unreasonable stories, yet we often fail to notice how we tell ourselves the exact same stories.

And because of that story, we've neglected our health, and by the time we catch ourselves, we already have our regrets written on our forehead (sometimes, in the shape of wrinkles ;) ). 'I'm so overweight right now. I wish I started going to the gym back then.'

Fears stop us from doing what we need to do. Once you talk yourself out of that, you'll still have fear but now with regrets by its side."

But fear is not all bad

We always frame fear as a bad thing. In fact, I’ve been saying only about the bad consequences of fears so far. But fear isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The reason we have this feeling, to begin with, is because it’s our instinct to survive. Without fear, we would not be afraid of anything, even if we should.

We need to learn to separate where fears are coming from and if it’s logical for us to listen to them. There’s Innate Fear (fear that’s part of the human survival mechanism), such as fear of falling, fear of fire, or fear of dangerous animals. These fears keep us from committing suicidal actions like jumping from a tall building or kicking lions to see their reaction to generate TikTok views.

Then we have Conditioned Fears. These fears are from our life experiences. From how we interact with the world around us. How people treat us and how the world treats those people. It can be a time when you, as a kid, showed your drawing to your parents, and they replied, “It sucked,” or “Stop fooling around, go to your room and study.”

These experiences pain us emotionally and thus create a sense of insecurity. Pain, whether physical or emotional, signal danger to our brains. And because we want to survive, we heed their advice. “I won’t share my work with anyone because they’ll think that I’m bad at it, and I’m going to feel that pain again. I need to stay away from the sense of danger.”

It’s crucial for us to practice self-awareness and learn to understand where our fear is coming from. I like how Gary Vee mentioned this in one of his Podcast “When you tell yourself you’re not good enough, it’s someone telling you that”

How to deal with fear

Still, because of the mental pain we experience, it’s hard to say, “Fuck this, I’m doing it” (or something more polite). One technique that I learned from my coaching journey is to ask ourselves

“What is the worst thing that could happen”

Most of the time, you’ll get answers I’d call “Surface Answers.” These are answers that immediately come to you. “People would think I’m stupid.” “No one will respect me.” “No one will love me, and I’ll be alone.” Once you get that answer, here’s another question for you:

“Why do I believe that’s true?”

This question helps you delve deeper into your fear and see if it’s reasonable to think like that. Most of the time, it’s how we view the world, and a lot of people wear sunglasses when viewing it. Even the purest white becomes dull, and the best intention can become an attack. For example, let's revisit the gym exercise example:

How to deal with fear — An example

Let’s say I’m afraid of going to the gym because I don’t know how any machines work, and I don’t want to look like a fool.

So the worst thing that could happen to me is that once I'm at the gym, I don't know what to do. I'll probably have to ask the staff or someone in the gym to teach me how to use some machines. They may think I'm a newbie and look down on me.

Will that emotionally hurt me? Well, probably. Will it kill me? No, I wouldn't die from that. (I’ve also never heard anyone die from that.)

Now, why would I think that people would look down on me just because I'm a beginner? Is being a beginner in the gym such a terrible thing? (Spoiler alert: No. Any decent person would admire the fact that you took the first step and be more than happy to help you). So, if being a beginner is not a bad thing, why would I think it would cause me pain?

You can delve much deeper than this example, but I'm sure you get the point. Asking these two questions will help you evaluate what you need to fear and what you can push through.

Regrets on deathbeds are the scariest thing.

Imagine you’ve spent your life, and it’s your last day on earth. You’re thinking about what you did in the past, and then you realize there’re a million things that you wish you did but you didn’t because you were afraid of how people would think of you.

That’s the scariest and saddest feeling in the world. You don’t have any time left.

I lived through that experience two years ago when I was lying on the operation bed before my major back surgery. I was thinking about how I wasted my time doing what society said I should do, even though it wasn’t aligned with my value.

I asked myself what would happen if I won’t wake up. It was the most terrifying feeling I ever had in my life. Fortunately, I woke up and had one more chance in life.

It’s about how we view it

As much as regrets aren’t the best thing to have in our life. It still has major benefits for us. It tells us what’s missing in our lives, what we want to do that we haven’t done in yet. It’s a compass that directly points us to our happiness.

The first thing I did once I woke up was tell my family and my friends how much they meant to me. I quit my job and started pursuing what I wanted to do for a living, helping people live a happier life.

I also pushed away my fear of rejection and started reaching out to people around the world (I’ve made meaningful friendships with people around the world).

Now it’s become my mantra: Live a life with no regrets. It doesn’t mean that I’ll always have a good time, but at least I know that I did my best and will not regret how I live my life. It’s a great feeling to know that you’re free from the social standard and can do whatever you want to do.

What about you?

Do you have any regrets in your mind? What do you want to do but haven’t done it yet? What’s holding you back? Is what you’re afraid of as scary as you think? How will you feel if you do it today? It’s hard to overcome your fear, but it’s much better than living another year or decades and looking back and wishing you live your life differently.

Live your life how you want it.