How to reach out for help
I was watching a video when one of the interviewees said something that struck me.
“Building something for yourself doesn’t mean you have to do it alone.”
It is something that many of my clients, myself included, struggle with. We believe we need to do everything to own that success, to deserve it, to call it ours.
But as you already know, no one is perfect, and it’s far from the reality that someone could do everything alone. Yes, we might be able to some extent, but it won’t take long before we’re crushed by all of the responsibilities we’re trying to hold on our shoulders.
This scenario applies to every aspect of our lives, and it’s a common theme my clients bring into their coaching sessions. Understanding these themes will help us navigate our feelings better. That being said, here are three limiting beliefs many people are grappling with.
I don’t want people to be worried about me.
This belief is the paradox that always blows my mind. It happens to the kindest and purest heart of all. These people often appear as strong and reliable members of their community.
They love their families, their friends, and almost everyone around them. They always lend their hand and make sure to offer help to anyone who needs it. They’re friendly and great to be around.
However, no matter how good life seems, everyone has problems that need to be dealt with. While these kindhearted people know how to help others, they struggle to let others know they also need help. They’re afraid to tell others they’re not okay.
One of my clients told me that if people knew they weren’t okay, they would be worried about them. But don’t look out for each other what families and friends do? Why would we be worried and yearn to help others if it isn’t because we care about them?
Another client told me that he didn’t feel it was such a big thing if something happened to him, but he’d do anything to ensure his friend was safe and sound. So I asked him, what if something happens to you? How would your friend feel and live without you? It was a bold question that helped him realize that “His friends care for him as much as he does toward them.”
What you can do:
Next time you feel your tendency to carry problems alone because you don’t want to worry anyone, try asking yourself, “Why would you want to help others?” and “How does it feel when you do that?”
Remember, as much as you care about your loved ones, they share the same feelings towards you. Keeping all problems to yourself means you refuse to accept their love, which hurts their feelings more than you think.
I don’t know how to tell them.
Reaching out for help is almost on par with tasking with a mission impossible. We don’t know how to start. We worry about how people are going to react to what we say. We don’t know whether they can help us.
These are all fair concerns to have. But one of the universal truths: “You’ll never know until you try.”
We often assume the worst will happen. If I tell people I’m struggling with my money, people would think that I’m irresponsible. They would think that I’m not capable of taking care of myself. They might not even want to talk to me anymore. I should try solving this by myself.
This example may sound extreme, but it’s more common than you think. This is why a lot of people struggle with their financial situation. They refused to talk to anyone and instead tried experimenting with some fad trends, making things worse.
When my clients were afraid of letting their loved ones know they needed help, we discussed their fears, what they feared, and how likely that would happen. Most of the time, it would have much less impact than they assumed.
Our life is a string of decisions, and each decision comes with its cost. We often think about what would happen if we do something but forget the cost of “not” doing something.
You may feel awkward at first, accepting that you need help from your friends and families, but you may gain an idea of how to overcome those challenges. Better yet, you don’t feel you’re alone anymore. However, if you don’t reach out to them, you’ll have to struggle with this problem all alone, and for how long. Is it worth it?
What you can do
Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen, and how likely it would happen?” These questions will help you take a step back, see reality in the bigger picture, and, most likely, see that what you’re scared of is something you could manage if it does happen.
You can also ask, “What would happen if you don’t seek help? What is the cost of not asking for help? and “Are you willing to accept that cost, or is it better to choose another option you may have?” Hint: talking to someone you trust about what’s happening with you.
Helping someone requires a lot of effort.
We think that help is so big to ask for that people will need to go out of their way to do it for us. Yes, sometimes, it requires time, dedication, and resources to help someone.
Helps also means something simple like lending an ear, sharing opinions, or just teaching something we already know for 5 minutes. And who knows, some people are more than happy to go out of their way to help their loved ones. We seldom think about it, but we do that more often than we think.
The important thing is you need to know what you want to ask from them. People are willing to help you if it’s within their capability. But reaching out without clear needs can cause anxiety on both sides.
Therefore, I’d suggest you start within yourself, what problem you’re facing, and what you need to overcome. If you’re struggling with self-doubt, maybe you need someone to be by your side and emotionally support you. If you don’t know how to approach a specific task, you may want someone to teach you something.
It’s important to accept that each person may not provide every help for you, and that’s okay. You might ask one for their listening ears and another for more tactical skills. People might tell you they can’t help you, and that’s okay. Don’t take it personally. It’s better for them to accept that they can’t help. Instead, try asking if they know someone who can help you with the topic.
This process takes time, especially when you never sit down and have a real talk with yourself. If you can’t think of anything or your mind goes blank, you may want to consider contacting professional help like therapists and coaches.
Therapists focus on helping you understand and make peace with your past, while coaches help you move to the goal you want. I’d suggest trying both since the process and results complement each other very well.
What you can do:
Ask yourself, “What do you need to overcome the challenge you’re facing?” and “Who would be the person who can give you that help you seek?”
Be clear on what you want when reaching out for help.
Reach out to professional help like therapists or coaches if it’s something emotional and you’re reluctant to talk about it. There are many options for you to choose from, both online and offline.
Summary
We have problems, and sometimes they’re too much to handle alone. Accepting that you need help and reaching out to others when you need it is okay and more effective. This world may look like a dangerous place to live, but it’s much kinder than you’d think.
I hope this article helps you with how to tackle these limiting beliefs. Next time you’re having a problem, try reaching out to your friends and families. They won’t judge you just because you ask for their help. On the other hand, they’d be honored to help someone they love.
Asking for help foster a meaningful relationship. And it’s a great feeling to know that we have someone by our side and that we’re not alone.
Laphol (AKA Home) is an online professional life coach that helps people understand their feelings and what they truly want and help people move forward to their ideal life.
