Self-Doubt, The Unsung Hero

Have you ever felt that nagging voice of self-doubt creeping into your mind, whispering that you're not good enough? We all have. But what if I told you that self-doubt could be our greatest ally rather than our worst enemy?

We surely have moments when we doubt our capabilities to do something. Maybe giving a presentation. Maybe it’s our first time being a parent. Or maybe quit your job but don’t believe that you can make it work.

I, too, have been experiencing this feeling consistently since I was young. When I was in high school, I didn’t think I was smart enough to do well in school or cool enough to have friends.

Even when I decided to become a life coach two years ago, I still heard these voices daily. It was heart-crunching. What if I make a wrong decision? What if I’m not good enough? What if I mess up when I’m with my clients?

Whenever I had that feeling, I always oppressed them and told myself, “Just keep going.”

The reality of the inner voices

But that was a wrong move. Neglecting my feelings at first numbed my sensitivity. I was lost in an abyss spiral where all I could see was to keep doing more and more.

There was no ending. No matter how much I achieved, those voices were still screaming in my head. I was scared that one day, I’d eventually break down.

It was last year when my coach encouraged me to consider the self-doubt voice in my head as part of myself and approach them compassionately. It was hard and emotional, but in the end, I learned a valuable lesson about them.

They’ve been trying to keep me safe.

Read the sign

Because self-doubt in our head can appear to be very discouraging, sometimes almost a verbal attack. We consider them harsh critics who try to hurt us. We look at them as our enemy.

However, self-doubt is part of ourselves that is trying to protect us from potential harm. They use our experience to decide what’s safe and what’s not for us. They have good intentions. They always have.

When we were kids, we never thought about if we were good enough. If we wanted to do it, we did it. That’s why you never let kids hold a knife…sorry, Mom ;)

But when we grew up, and life happened, we stored those memories. We’re looking out for something that hurt us in the past and make sure they don’t hurt us again.

Either it’s fears of rejection, the sense of abandonment, or other painful memories. There’s always an underlying reason behind our self-doubt in our heads.

Identity Vs. Ability

One of my clients once expressed to me that she didn't see herself as a businesswoman and doubted her ability to start her own company. So I asked her to imagine what she would have to do if she owned a business (spoiler: no baby ever born and shouts out I’m going to be a business owner while their mom’s holding them).

She answered broadly with some ideas like making sales, finding suppliers, and creating a warehouse. But overall, she realized that she didn’t know much about running a business. In the following session, she felt much better once she researched what she needed to do.

When talking about self-doubt, people associate it with our ability to do something. However, most of the time, we interpret lacking ability as a lack of self-worth. If we make a mistake, we’re a failure. If we get a rejection, we’re worthless.

Fortunately, it’s not how life works. Our identities are made of the repetition of our actions. You’re a person who cares about your health when you consistently exercise, have a healthy diet, and have enough sleep for years, not when you follow some fads for a few days and post them on Instagram.

Mediocre to Master

Most people think I am gifted when it comes to English, but only a few know the true story behind it. Fun fact: I’m not a native speaker and still make a lot of mistakes, and it’s okay :D

Back when I was in 8th grade, I played a game that changed the trajectory of my life forever. It was a game accompanied by English text and voice. My English was mediocre, and I struggled to follow the story because I didn’t know many of the words they used.

But because I loved playing that game so much, I decided to open a dictionary book every time I didn’t understand something. For those who have never seen one before, it’s a thick book. You need to flip pages to find the words you want instead of typing them on the screen.

The process of opening a dictionary and learning new words time and time again, while tedious as hell, educated me in a way that no teacher could do for me. I learned to be more patient.

Mastery Takes Time

We always see how someone does something so effortlessly and, unfortunately, a lot of times, compare them to ourselves. Yet, we rarely ask ourselves what we need to do to be able to do what they can do.

My friend once gave me a wisdom nugget when I talked to him about how bad I felt when my other friends sang beautifully and got all the attention. He said:

“He has been practicing singing for a decade. You, on the other hand, just started this year. It wouldn’t be fair for him if you could do as good as him, don’t you think?”

Since then, I have developed a growth mindset. Whenever I feel I want or need to do something, but I do not believe in myself. I’d ask myself.

• What do I need to know to do this task properly?

• Do I know anyone or any books that can teach me this?

• How do I know I do it correctly?

Summary

Self-doubt is actually a positive force in our lives. Drawing from our experiences, it often emerges from a desire to protect ourselves based on past experiences and fears. It’s not a reflection of our worth but rather a challenge to our sense of identity and abilities.

Instead of pushing away self-doubt, we should sit with it, understand its underlying messages, and use it as a compass for personal growth. By embracing self-doubt and reframing it as a tool for resilience and self-improvement, we can move forward with greater confidence and achieve our goals.